Well, this is the 6PM post and in case you just realized that giving a gift of VD delight was not optional but required, here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts around the annual holiday.
First, let me make sure you know what VD is, it is Valentine’s Day (VD) – A day where you are required to show adoration, appreciation, and high expectations surrounding the love for those closest to you. These expressions are is typically displayed through the purchasing of gifts, including but not limited to flowers, cards, candy, jewelry, chocolate, and fancy food. Usually, a negative correlation is seen between the increase in longevity of one’s relationship to the quantity of dollars involved to purchase said gift. Typically, all actions and thoughts are to balance the equation of the recipient granting coitus. Any disruption to that balance could lead to fisticuffs. Those alone on Valentine’s Day often pretend like it does not exist.
With that statement in place, here are a few topics to consider as your last minute plans are coming to fruition.
Cards
Do: For a woman, anyone female will gladly would accept a store bought Hoops and Yo-Yo Card, for brownie points, take that leftover roll of Christmas paper that isn’t big enough to wrap the toothbrush you got her and construct your own card. Anything that involves your children (if she is the baby momma) is a plus.
Do Not: If Antonio Cromartie is reading this (or you are in his predicament) and she is not your baby momma, do not include your kid in your card. Also, Cards mean paper with words or pictures. Do NOT give her anything Louisville Cardinal related. Do not send electronic card, Facebook greetings, or Twitter pic and expect that to count.
Presents
Do: Flowers are a staple, but she if she’s one of those wheat, lactose, high maintenance type, she may have strong feelings about pollen too. Women have strong feelings about these things so just steer clear. If you ignore my advice and go flowers, buy roses – everything else looks cheap when its a VD present.
Do Not: Steal them off graves, out of hospital rooms, from the nerdy kid going to homecoming, etc. It looks tacky and remember, it is about the money spent. Do not give hair brushes, insurance, or TAZERs – especially if you’re wooing a UofL fan.
Food
Do: Sure, the book says to go all out. This is not the book, this is Rick’s VD PSA and VD is all about coitus. While Joe-Schmo is out at the fancy $150 meal (aka in Louisville that’d be Vencenzo’s or Jack Fry’s or Jeff Ruby’s etc.) take your date to Porcini’s. The restaurant has proven a go-to even when it isn’t a romantic holiday.
Do Not: See the above Do, but do not remind her of the effect leather has on a bare backside.
Vacations
Do: Somewhere warm. The Caribbean and Mexico are nice this time of year. Be careful taking her anywhere too far until you are sure of your intent – if you get her to the Bahama’s and its the first time you’ve been without your winter coat, it could make for an ‘interesting’ 4 hour flight back home.
Do Not: All expense paid trips to Dr Offices in Cinicinnatti…
Miscellaneous
Do: Buy your wife a Kobe style diamond ring. She’ll stay around despite your adulterous ways.
Do Not: Buy your wife a Tiger style multi-million dollar home. She’ll still leave you and then bull doze said gift.
Do: Have a plan. Even if it is White Castle’s white table side serivce or a heart shaped Dominoes pizza (use these ideas).
Do Not: Rely on Plan B at Walgreens as your plan for 2/15… it is likely sold out.