Pitinomagedon: The Musical

Along with “Just Sayin”, “epic”, “FAIL”, and now that the National Championship is over, “Honey Badger Don’t Give a”, I made a resolution to not use the suffix -mageddon one time this year and I am cashing that chip in on the with 354 days left in the year.

I don’t want to wait for the next snow-magedon, car-magedon, or when the Mayan calendar ends and we get the real ARMAGEDON. I’m going to use the prefix of Pitino for this one. Pitino-magedon.

It’s actually the name of the latest musical that I’m writing.  Well, it’s a musical, only in the sense that musicals are the only funny plays worth seeing and this one is HALARIOUS, not in the sense that it rhymes or you can sing along in the car with the complete soundtrack.

It is not 100% complete, just Act 1 and scenes 1 and 2 but before Steven Spielberg (no talent ugh…clown) goes and steals my idea, I want to share it with you. After the season, I’ll finish up scenes 3 and 4 and then go onto Act 2 and 3.

Act 1 Scene 1

Narrator: In the college basketball community, the fans are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the coaches, who recruit players; and the players, who actually score points. These are their stories.
DUM DA

Scene: (fading from black) “Louisville, Kentucky – January 10, 2012.” Two lovers sit outside enjoying the unusually warm winter weather, having a stroll along the lakeside, seeing nothing but the glimmer of faint starlight in the others eyes. The sky brightens only to reveal a falling star. Before they realize they should capture the moment it fades from sight. That was as bright as it was going to get. A buzzing is heard from the man’s pocket. She reaches in and pulls out his phone.

Karen: Oh my God.

Tim: What? Oh God. What???

Karen: Are you serious?

Tim: (nervously) No baby, I swear. Its nothing. It was a one time thing. Nothing’s going on. She won’t leave me alone. (turning in circles) I promise, it’ll never happen again. Donna means nothing to me.

Karen: I was talking about Louisville losing tonight. WildcatBlueNation just tweeted that they lost by 31. WTF. Who the hell is Donna?

(fade to black)

Act 1 Scene 2

Scene: Jason is on his way home from hanging out with his ‘lady friend’. A radio station, ESPN 690 AM, plays over the speakers. It’s the Louisville fans talking. A sound of disgust and worry in the voices.

McCane: I’m serious. It’s over. It’s all over. I can’t believe it. I want to hang my head – well after I hang who ever is responsible for these players and that performance. There is no control. There is no heart. An worst of all, I have to hear my UK brother-in-law, talk more crap to me. I can’t take it – they gave up on that game and I’m giving up on this season. I’m going to become a Hoosier fan. That’s it. I’ll go across the border and become an Indiana fan. Caller 4, Ryan, you’re on air, what do you have to say about this humiliating loss?

Caller 4 (Ryan): a soft, sad chuckle in his voice Man, I’m a UofL fan from birth. I’m serious. I think I came out crying and pouting. They looked ri-donculous. I haven’t seen someone play that bad since my 2 year old picked up the 360 controller – kid is 6 now. It was like watching Catholic school kids at a West-end prom, out of place, those Cardinals didn’t belong on the court. Pitino has to go

McCane : Ryan, I 100% agree. I can’t believe I said that but it is true. I 100% agree. They looked bad. They played bad. Notre Dame denied a chance to play in the Hawaii Bowl a few years back – at this rate, Louisville should deny any invite to play in the Big East Tournament. Caller 7, Jacob. Make me feel better Jacob.

Caller 7 (Jacob): I was so happy when Rick Pitino came to town. I camped out at the SAC every night. I stood, watching, waiting to see the ship come in. That ship – it was a Championship. I’m still waiting. Actually, I’m tired of the talk. I want results. I can’t take being mediocre and the sub par recruiting classes. Our 2013 class is softer than a 2×4 in a WWE ring. I’m putting the No in Pitino. I’m pulling an Obama 2012 – Time for Change.

McCane: Jacob, thanks for the call. You’re right. In political terms, 2011 was the Occupy movement. I think 2012, Rick Pitino is taking the opposite stance and is going all port-o-pot on us. He’s wanting a “Not Occupied” movement and he’s starting with the Yum! Center. At the rate of this season, they’ll need to make that ! a pole to hit me with, and put me out of my misery. Caller 1, Matt. put me out of my misery.

silence

funky, porno style music plays in the background.

McCane: Matt… come on man… Turn off the Arama-get-it-on.

McCane: irritated Matt – going once… twice…

Caller 1 (Matt): in the background, you hear McCane’s voice saying “Matt – going once, twice” and the music goes scilent. Hey McCane. Long time listener, first time caller.

McCane: Thanks Bro. What’s on your mind? Besides that movie  you were watching?  What do you have to say about Pitino-mageddon?

Caller 1 (Matt): Pitino-mageddon. Nice. You know, I saw that Bruce Willis movie. Well, let me say – Bruce Willis aint coming through that door. There was an asteroid headed strait to Louisville and no one stopped it. We saw the writing on the wall years ago. I think it was circa NIT #2. But did anyone thing to bring an oil drill, drill into the middle of Freedom Hall and stop what was coming? No. Now we’ve seen the big ball of debris hit what we love and destroy it. I miss my Cards. (a spoken pound sign) #Card Strong #Is It Football Season Yet?

McCane: Well Bruce might have saved planet earth from flying rocks, Christmas from terrorist, and Ashton from Demi, but I don’t even thing he could save Louisville from Pitino…

(fade to black)