Yes, Santa gets millions of letters a year but the ol man has to ask someone for a Christmas present and the jolly one, despite being portrayed in advertisements in red, is a UK fan.
Stealing mail is a federal offense, but I’ve never seen a Law and Order episode around opening, copying, and redistributing mail. So taking the lack of fictional legal precedence into consideration, I feel like I’m good on my ability to show you the letter Santa wrote to John Calipari.
"Dear John,Oops, please don’t take this the wrong way. This isn’t that typical Dear John kind of letter. I’m perfectly happy with the Mrs., although, come to think of it, that cat certainly has Claus when she’s upset. Ho Ho Ho.The nature of this letter is one dealing with my own wishes. Look, I delivery billions of presents to little brats all around the world and all I get for it is a bunch of cookies and sour milk. Santa needs something and you’re a man with the means to make it happen.Which leads me to the first present: Can you please send out a tweet to all those hipsters to quit leaving me Almond and Soy Milk? Its milk and cookies. It isn’t supposed to be healthy. That garbage they’ve been leaving is disgusting.Ok, second present. I usually give nice presents to kids only to watch them get destroyed or never played with after they get the box open. Last year, your boy Darius Miller asked for and received the ability to shoot the 3. He made 44% and it looks like after opening the box last year, he’s squandered the gift. He was 33% his first two seasons, then he goes 44% last year and has dropped back down to 26%. Most people just know that cheerful laugh, but I’m old and can be cranky. I apologize, but I don’t go travelling around the world just to have people piss away their presents!Third, I don’t know who in the world delivered presents to the Chicago area three years ago, but Anthony Davis arms are this years Furby! Normally, I have people asking me for the ability to heal freakiness but now they’re asking for it. Since I’m not responsible, I have to forward all the emails to someone named Gene Etics… Ho Ho Ho. Although, if I have to read one more letter from Chane Behanan about how he wants the talk Davis has around him, I will throw an elf. Finally, I want a Kentucky National Championship. I’ll give you a little insider scoop on how to make it happen this time (I know you were close a few years ago at Memphis). Groupon will be selling them for 51% off. The way I see it is that should basically mean you only have to hit 4 of 10 free throws to win this time… Ho Ho Ho."
Ok, It’s 2 pm EST. That means it’s right now 8:45AM in New Zealand and after writing letters to Santa Claus pleading for his favor in the delivery of desired toys and goodies, they are waking to find them tightly wrapped under their tree. Here’s hoping that Santa gets what he asked for under his when he gets back to the North Pole.