Christmas Gifts for the SEC Basketball Coaches
By Paul Jordan
For the first time in my adult history, I have finished my Christmas shopping before the 23rd of December. For the record, I actually finished my shopping on the 18th, which has to be a record for anyone in the male population. So, with the extra time on my hands, I decided to go shopping for the head basketball coaches in the SEC. I think I did a pretty good job. Check out what I got:
John Calipari, Kentucky – His own personal M*A*S*H unit to help deal with the sudden rash of injuries plaguing his Wildcats. I know the team is on Christmas break now, but the M*A*S*H unit will be setting up their tent right outside the Craft Center and they have assured me we will be injury free by the Louisville game.
Rick Stansbury, Mississippi State – Your own personal staff hypnotist to continue to keep Renardo Sidney from going crazy on you again this year and to keep from disrupting your team. I have to admit, I am impressed with how your team is playing this year and that Sidney seems to be buying into your team concept. Let’s hope it keeps up.
Tony Barbee, Auburn – Pre-diabetes screenings for all your players. Honestly, I’m concerned. The Tigers have feasted thus far on a vast array of cupcakes and that blood sugar level has to be getting dangerously high. I know that last thing Barbee wants is his team to be sluggish and slow for SEC play. Not too many cupcakes there.
Billy Donovan, Florida – The ability to recruit big men as well. Donovan has an overabundance of talent in the back court and a very thin front court this year. A quick look at the Gator’s 2012 recruiting class show three guards and no big men. Eventually you have to go after a big man, Billy.
Anthony Grant, Alabama- Your defensive mojo back. Last season, only Kentucky, Florida, Alabama , and Vandy cracked the 70 point mark over the last 15 games against the Crimson Tide. Two of Alabama’s last five opponents have hit the “70 mark”. It’s time for Alabama to get back what they do best and play that smothering defense.
Andy Kennedy, Ole Miss – shooting lessons from Chris Warren. I know the Rebels are 9-3 but jeez, this is a poor shooting team. The Rebels are currently shooting 43.2% from the field, 59.1% from the line, and 29.3% on their trey attempts. I also throw in a personal driver to keep you out of cabs.
Trent Johnson, LSU – A real life “Groundhog Day” for December 19. I don’t care what you have to do, but you need to make sure that your players believe it is December 19th all year around. That’s the day the Tigers stunned undefeated and #10 ranked Marquette.
Mike Davis, Arkansas – a successful redshirt request for Marshawn Powell and for his team to give him another “20 minutes of hell”.
Kevin Stallings, Vanderbilt – some trophy polisher for that 2010 SEC coach of the year award and a reset of this season back to when Vandy was still in the top five.
Mark Fox, Georgia – A guide to “when to not call timeout in the SEC Tournament” and plenty of patience from Bulldog fans this year. They are going to need it, but Fox will recruit well for the Bulldogs.
Darrin Horn, South Carolina – a reincarnation of Devan Downey. The Gamecocks have played tough lately, winning three of four and knocking off in state rival Clemson. The Gamecocks also played tough, losing to #2 Ohio State by just 8. You get the feeling no team will want to travel to Columbia if Horn had that one great scorer.
Cuonzo Martin, Tennessee – I think you already got your gift yesterday, buddy, in the form of Jarnell Stokes. Now go out there and try not to lose to East Tennessee State tonight so he will not reconsider joining this shipwreck.