Your Guide to the NFL Postseason

This is pretty much what every other NFL team does to the Rams too…

Monday I ran an article exploring the realms of divinity and success in the NFL, and it was probably some of the most fun I’ve had writing for this site in a few weeks; it’s only possible to write so many articles defending our football squad and talking about what they could do to alleviate my growing alcoholic tendencies as a result of Saturday afternoons in the Bluegrass. But the article also provided some entertainment for outside of this site as well, in the form of a former high school classmate of mine writing a very long and scathing Facebook status about people mocking Christians. It was a hilarious and very enlightening ordeal, as it proved to be that A) some people will get offended about anything and B) that when I don’t have to write a shield piece on our football team, it can be a lot of fun. So with no news on the football team anywhere close to the horizon and Paul threatening to take away my funding for our investigative report into local  adult entertainment clubs , I must produce something that he won’t yell at me for. But the NFL is still going strong and provides a fertile ground to spread the seeds of my journalistic love, so today I will be  giving you a casual fans guide to the NFL postseason. The season is still a few weeks from its conclusion but several playoff teams have already emerged. Feel free to use these juicy bits of knowledge to drop on friends and random service industry workers to impress them into a free 15 hour old doughnut. If you already have a favorite team in the NFL, then feel free to pass it along to your nearest nerd/non-sport watching female/mailman and watch their face light up with excitement until they realize what you gave them.

NFC:

East: This division has proven interesting, as the Eagles spent like Donald Trump in the offseason to build what a back-up quarterback called “The Dream Team”. Apparently the dream team does not involve a decent defense, as the Eagles now sit at 5-8 with one of the highest paid, worst defenses in the league. The New York Giants are on top of this still highly contended division, which is impressive considering the charity work they do by placing a special needs adult at quarterback. The Dallas Cowboys threaten to take the top spot away from the Giants, until Tony Romo can figure out an innovative way to choke away the rest of the season.

North: This division is like the SEC and Kentucky basketball: there’s them, and then everyone else. The Green Bay Packers are sitting at 13-0 and a shot at perfection, aided by the man-god Randall Cobb. The Lions, once a team that looked poised for greatness, realized they were located in Detroit and began collapsing. The Bears once looked like they had a chance at fighting into a wild card spot in the postseason, but after the loss of Jay Cutler and Matt Forte look like Tom Crean after his hair plugs fall out: missing something important. The thing to watch with this division will be whether Green Bay’s starters stay in the entirety of the season and strive for an undefeated season. The Patriots did it a few years ago and it turned out great for them. Mostly

South: With Drew Brees spraying hot touchdown sauce all over everything, it would be hard to see this division changing much in the next few weeks but the Falcons of Atlanta still lie in wait for a slip to take their opportunity. Two games back pretty much means that this thing is over, but when you have Carolina and Tamps Bay in your division, worrying too much about anyone else seems unnecessary. Carolina has actually over-performed this year with Cam Newton at the helm, but even he can’t score enough points to come out of this division.

West: The Niners have enjoyed their resurgence to relevance, but the fact that somebody had to step up in a division that sent a 7-8 Seattle team to the playoffs last year. Seriously, a team with a losing record made the playoffs. While San Fran sits at 10-3, the rest of the pack falls way, way down with second place sitting at 6-7. Can the Cats schedule an exhibition game against the Rams? Better yet, can we just punch them in the mouth for a bit too?

AFC

East: The Patriots. Once mighty and invulnerable, the Sith Lord Belichick has now seen his Death Star fall into a state of disrepair after realizing that having no running backs and a defense that can still remember the first Bush administration will not win games. Tom Brady, who I have just realized is the anti-Tebow (impregnating models and super-hot actresses at will, how dare he?!), is still one of the best in the league and Mark “Stop Calling Me Dirty” Sanchez isn’t quarterback enough to take that spot from him. Look for Brady to come out in the playoffs with his new Sith makeup and hairdo.

North: One of the few divisions in the NFL that actually has a competition for the top spot. Baltimore and Pittsburgh are both at 10-3 with a chance for one of them to take the wild card spot as well. A hard fought division does not mean the best, as they both have bad losses and have proved they are more than capable of blowing a good opportunity. This is the division to watch if you don’t care who wins.

South: The Texans have clinched their first division berth, which is exciting, until you realize they’re in a division with Tennessee, Jacksonville, and the Peyton Manning-less Colts. Houston will have a very difficult road ahead as they lost their quarterback Matt Schaub a few weeks ago, but when you look at the rest of the conference, they might be able to sneak through a playoff game or two before facing doom. This actually became an interesting division for a bit without Robot Manning tearing up everything in sight. Maybe that neck thing was the best thing to happen to the Colts, as they now realize they have nothing without a cyborg scoring whenever he feels like it.

West: This is the division that is the most up in the air out of any in the AFC, with three teams sitting within two games of each other. If Tim Tebow really is an emissary of God, then he’ll figure out a way to pull out of this division, especially since the rest of the division most definitely qualifies as God-forsaken. The Chargers will win every game in December but it may not be enough, with a little divine help from the Constant Praiser himself.