What I Hate about You: Ole Miss

It’s back, baby. The original alli-hater has returned to the wells of hater-ade and sipped on the sweet, sweet taste of repressed rage. This football season is thisclose from going straight to s**t and after a few games of utterly sickening performances trying to stay positive is getting hard. But it’s not about the teams we’ve lost to, it’s the teams. The stupid f**king visor prowling the sidelines, slapping himself on the back as he dials up another touchdown; the fact that LSU spawned an internet phenomenon known as the “Kentucky Spike Factor“. AND the fact that we lost to the God**n Dirty Riverbirds. But those first two were inevitable, we were going to get pounded like baby mice under a sledgehammer. No, those teams were just straight up better. But this, the hate has only grown, boiling like the sweat dripping down onto Houston Nutt’s hotseat. And Ole Miss has certainly earned it. Let’s get this on.

Ole Miss, your amount of suck is the only amount of suckage greater than our own this season, and you have a guy that was supposed to be the next coming of Mike Martz. The only reason that he had any success in 2008 and 2009 was because he had the guy from The Blindside and Dexter McCluster racking up points (McCluster, by the way, gets extra hatred for this stupid video. Nice job a**hole) and Mike Wallace catching every overthrow on the planet. Who was the quarterback that season? Yeah, nobody else knows either. You look at Oxford on a map and find nothing. Literally. Try it on Google maps. You see the one little clump of streets and zoom out…and out…and out until you finally see Memphis. Not to mention that you claim to have the hottest girls around when clearly….okay you might have a point there. And what is up with that Hotty Toddy thing? I know the actual reason, and it’s lame. The real reason I think you do it is because you’ve iconicized something to distract people from your historically sucky football team. Hey, at least we were good at some point. The fact that you’re the destination institution for northern Mississippi doesn’t impress anyone, and that’s probably why the government chose Oxford to grow their own weed. Bastards.
But that’s not the worst thing. This hatred has been building up for quite some time; and it all centers around one man…sort of

Admiral Ackbar. This highly decorated officer of the United Rebel Alliance has served in the galactic armed forces for decades and was the commanding fleet officer in the Great Battle of Endor. With such an impressive list of accolades and a distinguished career serving all that is right and good, one would assume that he would be qualified to lead student-athletes of a back water town trying to crawl out of anonymity. But you know who didn’t think that? These a**holes. They axed that plan after nearly 15,000 people on Facebook supported such a measure, as well as a huge grassroots contingent. For reference, the entire enrollment at Ole Miss is listed at 15,800. That means they could have replaced the whole university with people who loved the idea and not dipped in attendance. But no, those dicks axed it because George Lucas couldn’t figure out a way to make more than 60 million dollars out of it and crusty old board members couldn’t bear the thought of having an out of the box thought. Hell, if that had happened, it is very possible that I would have gone down there to graduate school. I would have bought season tickets to everything. Because God knows nobody actually cared about the sports down there.

And we’re tied with them in the SEC, with zero wins.

F**k.

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