Its Halloween week which means 1) you have an excuse to run around in your underwear (Tom Cruise – Risky Business, Times Square’s Naked Cowboy) or dress provocatively (sexy cat, sex police woman, sexy nurse, etc.) and 2) You will be forced to mingle with people you don’t really know. As a functioning sports-aholic that may also be intoxicated, you will want to have a few strategies ready for the various situations you find yourself in.
1) The Wildcat – He came to the party wearing his UK football jersey, his John Wall Reeboks and is toting a bottle of Calipari’s Makers Mark. Obviously you’re a sports-aholic and have spotted the Kentucky Blue and bottle of bourbon as soon as he came in. You immediately mount your attack. Let him settle in and have a drink or two of the keg beer. Once the bottle of Cal is cracked, you’re in 2 minute drill mode. Make a straight line towards him and talk it up. Keep the conversation away from the risque ones like football and Joker Phillips and constantly come back to hoops. He’s likely to be your best friend by the end of the night and you will certainly be able to bum more than one shot of some of the best booze in the business.
2) The Angry Bird – Your girl has disappeared to the uni-sex restroom and you’re stranded. As you wait outside for your date, you hear a sharp buzzing sound from above – similar to a florescent light about to go out. It’s the girl on the balcony overhead trying to talk sports and not only that, but she’s bashing UK. This is simple – gather your girl and go introduce yourself. The lady at your side will keep the Cardinal fan’s guard down. You could just quote stats like “7 national championships” “SEC is AMAZING – look at our conference #1 and #2! Call it the national championship right now”… but she’s drunk and will certainly be able to talk louder thus ‘win’ the debate (a typical UL tactic) – thus you do it subliminally. If you continue to order “7 and 7s” but say things like “I think I’m going to go for #8 this time…easy, decision” and “I have a BIG home on the EAST end – but my property value is tanking with these new neighbors from Memphis” its a shoe-in to have her suddenly realize her team, conference, and everything else she believes in is falling apart. Note: get out before she begins to cry, otherwise your date will certainly feel the need to comfort her and you’ll go from a Cardinal to a Blue-Jay.
3) Man to Woman defense – Whoa, you’ve spotted her – sexy vampire from True Blood or Twilight or heck maybe she’s the girl from the 5th element. It doesn’t matter, she’s hot and it’s skimpy. The problem is that while she’s your goal, there’s a 1x2x2 press in your way. That means if your flying solo, you’re going to need John Wall moves to score. As you’re spotted by ugly friend #1, plant your left foot towards the fridge, she’ll over commits to the conversation and you then spin back into traffic. Fat friend #2 will be sprinting towards you at this point for the trap – but give a little head nod like you’re aiming for the Cheetos and she’ll try to meet you there, bump into homely friend #3’s right hand and she’ll spill that beer down her ‘flapper outfit’ and run off to the washroom. Once you split the double team of the tall twins #4 and #5 both dressed accidentally as Zena, you’re surely score. Note: don’t miss the layup.
4) The non-sports fan – You’ve been sucked into the vortex of NPR and hipster nonsense, you need an out. Luckily the next artist is named Tony Davis – he’s playing some sappy song about the government not paying his bills. You casually mention that your favorite artist in the paint is Anthony Davis, Kentucky’s newest PF and soon to be #1 NBA pick. Hearing even the acronym of basketball (N Basketball A) will lock the conversation with these hipsters up faster than an IRS audit. When they turn, you do the same – then see if you can change the station.
5) Police – The party got out of control and the Police are called. When they arrive there’s a Notre Dame leprechaun running around yelling about not being a cereal box character, “Party like its 1999” is playing, and a witch with a broom between her legs slapping it like its a bronco. You need class here and have a get out of jail free card if you’ve done one of the following before hand – A) Kept in touch with your friend’s dad who is a lawyer in the Brandeis school of Law – he’ll come down and talk your way out of it B) Have the hottest girl at the party who can bat her eyes at the old cop who’s wife hasn’t lost that 30 year old baby weight or C) Made sure to invite at least one UofL athlete so he/she will do something dumb, get taser and then be arrested. Everyone else will be let off with a warning and be able to turn the music down, corral Lucky the leprechaun and ground the witch via air traffic control regulations.
I hope these help and I realize you may not like everything I had to say, and feel free to let me know via www.twitter.com/sportsthator in the comments – stay safe, drive smart, buckle up and have a Happy Halloween.
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