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What I hate about you: Florida Gator's Edition


Here we go Wildcat fans.  It’s time for that special blend of venom and rage that comes when I see anything related to the University of Florida.  Being a Wildcat trapped in the land of mullets, jorts, and Pabst Blue Ribbon inspired screams of “Goooooooo Gators”, I feel that I am the best qualified to bring you this very special edition of “What I hate about you”.  So phone the neighbors and wake the kids.  This one is fueled by a 24 game losing streak.  Where to start?

Gators are douchebags.  All of them.  It’s a known fact.  Florida was named by GQ Magazine as the tenth douchiest college in America and if it is printed or on the internet, it has to be true, right?  Personally, I would have rated them much higher, but GQ gives us an exclusive look into what really happens at the “Gator Growl”

Typical Gator Growl Itinerary: Smoke a bunch of schwaggy weed and crank the hip-hop and Godsmack on your way to the Swamp. Get so drunk on grain punch that you pass out on the grass, somewhere between Dane Cook’s act and the Steve Miller Band. Have to be carried back to some stranger’s dorm room, where you wake up to cheers from the goateed strangers who brought you home and cracked eggs in your hair and drew cocks and balls on your forehead with dry-erase markers. Watch the fourth quarter.

All of that sounds strangely like what must happen on Gator recruiting trips.  I’m not sure how Will Muschamp’s recruiting visits work, but this picture is what ends up happening on Billy Donovan’s recruiting visits.  It’s appropriate that new Gator PG Mike Rosario came from Rutgers as he and Chandler Parsons and company had their own “Jersey Shore” evening of flexing, fist bumping, and taking awkward pictures that drive the big haired Gator co-eds crazy.  It must have felt like home because Mike Rosario committed on the spot.  Welcome to the SEC Mike.  This isn’t the Big East and Marquis Teague looks forward to breaking your ankles twice this year.

While we are at it, don’t let this guy near your high school transcripts.  Especially not Eric Bledsoe’s.  What  this?  A Pitino and a Gator?  It’s two, two, two things in one to hate.

Remember that great scene from “Bull Durham” when Kevin Costner instructs Tim Robbins on how to handle the media and what to say in interviews?  Yea, well that does not happen at Florida.  Consider this riveting interview with Gator freshman Ja’Juan Story:

Q: What’s your favorite pre-game ritual?
A: Well, I take a doodoo. Before every game I doodoo.

Q: That’s your FAVORITE pregame ritual?
A: Well, that’s the only thing I do. That’s one thing I have to do before every game, or I won’t feel energy, and I’ll just feel slow. When I do I just feel light on my feet and everything, and I feel faster, so that’s what I do.

Q: You know I’m going to write this in a story right?
A: Well, I mean, that’s what it is. I doodoo and then listen to Katy Perry.

Remember when you go to bet on greyhounds and some guy tells you to bet on the dog that takes a crap right before the race?  Well apparently Will Muschamp does that when he picks recruits.  Speaking of Will Muschamp ….

We don’t really know Will Muschamp that well yet, but he is certifiably crazy as a loon. Don’t get me wrong, I like the passion on the guy, but he’s just a tad bit over caffeinated. He and Mike “I’m a man, I’m Forty” Gundy will make great motivational speakers when out of football. Matt Foley will be proud. 

But another thing about Will Muschamp.  He follows the long line of Gator coaches before him that have broken promises with their employees.

First there was Billy Donovan who had “his people” contact the Orlando Magic about their heading coaching job while Brian Hill was still the coach.  That was enough for the Magic to jettison Hill and hire Donovan, who then quit on the Magic five days later.  A couple of years later, Donovan agreed in principle to become Kentucky’ coach and then changed his mind when the private jet was en route to pick him up and take him to Lexington.  I have two very good sources in Orlando and this is what happened.  And don’t be surprised if Donovan takes the Miami Heat job when his ban on coaching in the NBA ends.

Then we come to Urban Meyer who quit as Gators coach to spend time with his family and then the next day decided Tim Tebow was more important than his family and returned to the Gators.  Then the next year, he quit again to spend time with his family.  He now spends weekends with his ESPN family and will join the Ohio State family probably next year.

And now we have Will Muschamp you was the Texas Longhorn’
s “head coach in waiting”.  Muschamp had even agreed to a five year deal as Longhorn coach when Mack Brown retired, but after two years got tired of waiting and took the Florida job.  Another fine tradition that Will Muschamp carries on in having delinquent players.  Muschamp has three wins as coach as Florida and so far, has had two players arrested and one suspended by the NCAA.  It’s par for the course if you ask me. 

Seriously, Chandler Parsons has got to get better control of his facebook…  And I really don’t know what to make of this one…

Finally, we come to this guy.

None other than the most popular third string quarterback in the history of the NFL.  Gator fans are so delusional about this guy that some Gator fans I have overheard talking think that the NFL should step in and make the Broncos either play him or trade him to a team that wants him.  Face it.  The only NFL team that wants Tim Tebow is the Jacksonville Jaguars who are located practically in Gainesville’s back yard.  And they don’t want him to play.  They want to trot him out like a trained seal so Gator fans can buy tickets and the Jags can remove those tarps that cover all the unsold seats.

Speaking of covering unsold seats, don’t get me started on the curtains the Gators use at the “O Dome” to cover the upper section of seats whenever basketball teams not named Kentucky play there.

And unfortunately, I think that is about it for this edition of  “What I hate About You” except for one thing:

Taylor Wyndham wants me to welcome the Gators to Commonwealth Stadium on Saturday and to tell Tim Tebow that … well we will let Smokey tell him…

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