2 Things to *CLAP* Pump Our Program Up!

Before us, Rock Oliver was a girlie-man!

Is that sketch officially too old to use? Does anybody remember this or am I way off base here? The old SNL sketch starring two German body-builders played by Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon used to be a favorite of mine and right now is what the footballers of the fieldhouse could use; some pump. Joker, your honeymoon is officially over and the honeymoon suite wasn’t quite as nice as we had hoped, drinks were weak and the view was obstructed. But we’re back in the real world now and have accepted that the marriage is real and the problems are going to have to be resolved. So what are the five things that Joker and his new bride (the adoration of the fanbase) needs to work on in these critical first six months of marriage, besides not succumbing to the temptation of flirting back with your wife’s co-worker?

1. GROW A PAIR– You’re the head coach now Joker, time to put on the big boy pants. I know the cool and calm demeanor you pull off so well was great as the OC because you had Grandpa in the big chair playing the villain, but you’re the man on the blue crushed velvet throne now and you’re going to have to say something mean every once in a while. I’m not saying go all Billy G “Throw ’em in the equipment van” stuff, but the ambiguity and blank coach-speak is making you look like you can’t make up your mind rather than choosing not to. Saying you have a “completely wide open QB battle” is bulls**t, saying the only QB with game experience under his belt is the starter with with a very strong look at his backup gives players a spot to defend or take. Saying “we’re not that far away” doesn’t help, the Titanic wasn’t too far away from the iceberg either. So what if the last team that played in the Birmingham Toilet Bowl was South Carolina? They stepped up the next year by bringing in one of the best freshman backs in the country. The very turd-like varnish on this year has already hurt our recruiting, with de-commitments and extra visits dotting the news as of late. Either keep the excitement for your program going in season, or make sure they love where you’re going. Right now, UCF is looking more exciting than UK with top recruit Lamar Dawson and top in-state commit Josh Forrest both confirming trips to Orlando (is it MGM Studios? Because I would understand) and lots of time to lose more.
2. GROW A PAIR– For the sake of completing the joke I had to make another one, but it has good cause to be separate. I understand you’re a recruiter and to truly makes waves in the SEC you need great talent, but sometimes you have to play with the players you have. This year, despite the rest of the SEC east being down, we were still a little behind on the talent; which means that you are going to have to take it on yourself to be the game changer and call some plays that aren’t faxed in from 1998. Morgan Newton is not Cam Newton, nor is he even Mike Hartline (oh God, did I just say that?); having a gameplan that involves him throwing 36 times in a bowl (in his only start of the year) was a terrible idea. But Randall Cobb is Randall Cobb (or should I say was, now he’s Randall Cobb, NFL bound man-god), and he can do literally anything. Did you know he can throw? He could have taken at least 10 of those throws off Newton’s shoulders. Did you know he could run? I don’t think you heard, because he only did it 3 times at the Compass Bowl (and averaged 7.6 ypc). Part of being a playmaker means you get him the ball. Touching the ball only two more times the entire game than you did special teams touches (eight touches for 85 yards, six returns for 119 yards) means that you were not used enough. Even a very well rested Derrick Locke only got 12 carries. If you’re going to recruit all-stars, you’re going to have to use them. Play makers make plays. That simple. You get them the ball and they do what they do with it. It’s the coaches job to get them the ball where they can make plays, and that involves getting a little loco every once in a while. Take a lesson from Les Miles (the ballsy play calling, not the grass eating part), sometimes you need to let the boys make a bold call.

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