by Zach Rosen
NEEEEERRRRRRDDDDSS
I’m an avid UK fan, loyal to the death, and will sing the praises of the greatest university in the bluegrass commonwealth at any time. Naturally, this leads to a competitive nature with any team we play, and as a result, one tends to learn some small amount of disdain for any other team we play, especially conference teams that we play every year. It makes a game better if you have a reason to not like the other team. Any reason. From how annoying you find Rick Stansbury to the disgusted feeling you get when you look at Bruce Pearl (and I’m not talking about the rub-on tan) you cheer a little harder seeing the object of your ire fall. I was asked to write on some reasons to hate Vanderbilt University, and I had to take a moment and think about a good reason. And you know what? I couldn’t. Try as I might to find something in the university that I absolutely drove me crazy, I couldn’t. They’re like the little nerdy kid in high school that tries out for the football team, a bespectacled 110 lb. kid in way too many pads stumbling around the field, trying his ass off but you just can’t help but feel sorry for him. He’s just waiting to get flattened. And when it does, you laugh, but it’s more tragic than anything. So I will explain the reasons why you can smile and laugh at Vanderbilt, and know that he will never really be a threat.
First, to explain the comparison to the bony, scrawny, ball of awkwardness I described earlier. Having a college in the SEC with an enrollment of 12,000 makes it the smallest university in the conference, and therefore the barest of selection for co-eds and parties alike. The campus is less than 1.5 kilometers in area, but is located in the middle of Nashville, TN, so while campus parties might be slim, there is plenty of fun to be had two scant miles away. But therein lies the problem. It’s like knowing the kid that lives beside the sweet party house; it’s a short trip and a good launch point but you don’t want to tell the kid you’re only over there so you can get to the party more easily.
The thing about nerds are, they’re always smart. And sometimes rich. Another source of annoyance from this institute is the claim that they are “The Ivy League of the South”, a claim they fight over with Duke. Honestly, if Duke wants to fight with you about a strictly honorary title, it’s not worth fighting over. But they are smart. The research university has claims to leading many fields of study, and possesses grants for such. Being an academically strong university is always admirable, and will pay dividends for the future captain of industry, but we don’t care to hear about it.
From birth, nerds are trained to live in a hypothetical world. Dungeons and Dragons turns into Magic: The Gathering turns into pirates (or whatever branch of nerdery finds its way). Most of these games include costumes, and I’m sure there are more than a few wizard’s robes in the freshman dorms. Check out their mascot, the Commodore (I’ll explain what it is later):
Now, check out a pirate:
See the similarities? The key I want you to look at here is the hat. And the rest of the picture. Yeah, they’re like that.
Now you may ask “Commodores are weird looking, what species is that?”.They are indeed human, but seem to be under the impression that they think they are scary. A Commodore is an old imperial English title that was higher than a captain, but lower than an admiral. Such a title is already weird and seems out of place, but to put it in the middle of Tennessee is another source of confusion. The name came from one Cornelius Vanderbilt, who donated the 1 million dollars to start the university. His nickname was “Commodore” and the name stuck.
Finally, the nerd will forever be horrible at sports. Despite it’s wikipedia claims that the basketball team is an athletic strength, I can’t agree. Despite some minor successes lately, there are no national or conference championships to be had. Not to mention their football just had their first winning season in 25 and first bowl win in 50. Not a very impressive resume, but nice try.
Feeling unsatisfied? Has your hatred not been aroused? Me neither. As easy as it is to hate that nuclear orange wasteland to the east, there’s just not enough to hate Vanderbilt. So as we play tomorrow at the plateau-like basketball court of
L. Ron Hubbard Arena
Memorial Gymnasium, just remember, sometimes the nerd may win, but that’s why they made a movie about the one time they did.
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