With Halloween approaching and with that the almost mandatory costume parties, many of you may be scrambling to find that perfect last minute costume. Worry no more because I’m here to help you out with some creative costume ideas:
National Sports Writer – First, you’ll need and ill-fitting suit. If you’re attending a party with food, make sure to load up and
even stuff the grub into your pockets. Next, you’ll need to spout off about how Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari is the worst thing in sports while carrying paperwork on the Penn State/Sandusky scandal, the Miami (FL) scandal, the ongoing academic improprieties at North Carolina… don’t forget photos of Johnny Football signing Texas A&M merchandise. If you get into a disagreement with someone, change your point of view frequently and use as little facts as possible. (*Bonus points if you do a quick write up on your friend’s made up, totally fake girlfriend.)
IU fan – Red and White candy stripes are a must (who knew Waldo was a trendsetter). Another must is carrying around a VCR cassette, for the last time the Hoosiers won a basketball championship. Another fun twist is to hide for the majority of the party and suddenly pop out of the closet when most of the party goers have have forgotten than you existed. Even if you don’t win first prize in the costume contest celebrate as if you were the first caveman that mastered fire. I mean really, really go overboard. Present yourself with a trophy and even give an acceptance speech. (*Bonus points if you go all out and get a white wig and a red sweater and verbally berate the other guests. Don’t forget to throw a chair or two on the way out.)
Tom Jurich, UL Athletic Director - Turtleneck sweater. Lego man styled hair. Carry around a copy of the contract where you sold your soul to the Devil and you’re all set. (*Bonus points if you can swindle an entire city and bilk all the taxpayers out of much needed revenue for your own sinister ends.)
Cameron Crazy - Come up with a few witty chants that sound intelligent at first, but beat them into the ground by repeating them ad nauseum. If you’re male, show up with out a date. If you’re female, show up without a date. Remember to slap the floor a few times, and get in a textbook defensive stance, only to let people go right around you to the snack table. Keep in mind that no matter what you do, you’re partying the right way, the way partying was meant to be.
University of Miami Football Coach - Bring some college recruits with you and have a spectacular night. Speed. Rob a bank. Jaywalk. Write bad checks. Cheat on your SATs. Go to a strip club and make it rain. It really doesn’t matter, because no matter what do, you’ll always find a job in Louisville. I hear UL is hiring and they don’t ask a lot of questions.
University of North Carolina alum - Didn’t go to class at UNC? It doesn’t matter, just hand draw your own diploma and you’re instantly a Tar Heel alum. Bachelor’s, Master’s, Doctorate? It doesn’t matter, what you degree you give yourself, no one in the registrar’s office will dispute your claims. Congrats, doc!
And the scariest of all:
A Louisville Cardinal fan - Forget line beards and flat-billed caps, that’s SO 2012. This year you want to wear a shirt that profits off the injury of a student athlete. Walk around making a gesture that is universally understood to communicate the word “loser” with pride. Wear as much red as you can with the purely evil, demonic symbol “bird with teeth” logo on it. Put a chicken bucket on your head. If you go with your older brother, act extremely jealous of whatever he’s doing and then when he calls you on it, act totally surprised. If you win a game of beer pong, darts, or just bobbing for apples, make a bigger production about than and Indiana fan would. Proclaim yourself to be dynasty after one victory no matter how many times someone else has won. Antagonize the other guests, don’t be content to allow other people to have a good time. Become the center of attention. Wear out your welcome. And go home knowing that at next year’s party, no one will remember who you are.