‘Tis the season to be giving, and since I’ve finished my Christmas shopping (which basically consisted of buying EVERYONE UK shirts whether they want them or not), I decided I’d help Mr. Mitch Barnhart out and figure out what to buy his basketball personnel.
Matthew Mitchell needs leather pants and a white glove. I’d like to see a Michael Jackson tribute at Big Blue Madness next year. The rest of the women’s staff and team get travel gear. Why? They’re going to be traveling come March, and from the looks of it all the way to the final four.
Orlando Antigua will get a Kentucky bathrobe. Why? I don’t know; he just looks like a bathrobe kind of guy.
Kenny Payne just wants fewer turnovers, I think. But in the spirit of gift giving, get Mrs. Barnhart to make the man some fudge or something.
For John Robic, a shampoo set and a new comb for his awesome hair of his of course.
For Nerlens Noel, a new hat for the assorted collection we’ve seen in the post-game press conferences.
Jon Hood gets a razor, to shave his grizzly-man beard when it grows back out. Sorry Hood, but I’m not a fan of the scruff.
Jarrod Polson’s getting a recording contract. He doesn’t listen to Justin Bieber. Justin
Bieber listens to him.
Archie Goodwin is going to ask for that Benz he mentioned he wanted for Christmas during All Access Kentucky, but that would be an NCAA violation my friends, so instead he’ll get that other sock he was talking about.
Twany Beckham and Ryan Harrow get keys for those “cuffs” Doron Lamb called them out on Twitter about.
Sam Malone and Alex Poythress both get Beats by Dre headphones. Why you ask? Because they’re awesome; that’s why.
For Willie Cauley-Stein, more headbands. Channel your inner DeMarcus Cousins, man. I like it. Just don’t channel it TOO much, if you know what I’m saying.
Tod Lanter is going to get a poster of himself since he was left out of the team one. Maybe even throw in extras to distribute to the student body.
Brian Long is going to get a megaphone, whether he wants one or not. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say more than 10 words, so this way we can hear all them.
Kyle Wiltjer is getting a new video camera because I think I speak for everyone when I say that we miss the WBA videos.
For Julius Mays, a Starbucks gift card, because what grad student doesn’t need coffee? Especially when you’re playing basketball at Kentucky and staying on top of classes.
And as a team gift, they get Airborne immunity pills. No more sick players, please. Between Harrow and Hood and I believe Malone and Beckham have been sick at some point as well it sounds like they need them.
And finally, John Calipari. The without-a-doubt perfect gift for Coach Cal would have to be a magic wand. How many consecutive press conferences has he referenced that he doesn’t have one? Several. He even took to twitter to talk about it yesterday promising not to re-gift it. Come on Mitch; add magic wands into the budget.