NFL Football: Does Tim Tebow Prove the Existence of God?

…and he said, “Nay, go with me and I shall lead you to the promised land of a playoff spot in a mediocre division, but there I shall lead no further”

-Book of Tebow 24: 13-17

While watching the games this Sunday, still slightly nauseous and coping with light sensitivity I emerged from my room to watch the NFL games and try to give myself enough short term memory loss to forget about this weekend. The ritual is repeated weekly during the fall, whether the physical effects of my condition are caused by joy or grief, but one thing has always caught my attention, as it has for months now, and I’m not the only one. This phenomenon known as Tim Tebow continues to exist, nay, thrive in the fires of the NFL and inexplicably keeps winning as the Broncos topped the Chicago Bears yesterday in overtime. After the game the first thing he mentioned (surprisingly) was Jesus, and how the big guy upstairs really came through for him again. But as I scoffed once again at the predictability and consistency of his “Tebow-ness”, my roommate turned, looked at me and said,”He’s the best argument out there for the existence of God.” And he might be right.

If you follow the NFL, you’ve undoubtedly heard the phrase “Tebow time”. It refers to the late 4th quarter when Tebow, who has undoubtedly been sucking more than a vacuum at a kitty litter convention, comes alive and plays like the first round pick he was undeservedly drafted as. The Broncos are 7-1 with Tim Tebow as a starter, far better than anybody had predicted; but it’s not that they won the games, but how they won the games. Comeback after comeback, the Holy Bronco himself has rallied the entire offense and completed the biggest passes in the game, sometimes his only passes (against Kansas City one of his only two completed passes was a 63 yard bomb to Eric Decker in the 4th) of the match. It seems a little ridiculous that during this run Tebow has five games (out of seven, mind you) that he completed 10 or less passes. 10. Or less. This is the NFL, where Drew Brees makes games look like a firework show and Aaron Rodgers commands legions of great receivers, and Tebow completes 10 passes and still gets a win. Hell, Peyton Manning’s passing was so good that when he went down the defense suffered. ANd we have a quarterback completing less than 10 passes for a majority of his starts this season.

So what’s the deal? If it’s not his arm, what can it be? The defense out there at Mile High Stadium is pretty stout, but that’s not it. No, there is only one explanation: the divine. His constant praying, praising, and Filipino boy circumcising has paid off. Whenever there is a lucky bounce, the Broncos get it. Whenever there is a toss-up play, a Broncos player ends up on the winning side. It just happens, every time. Last week in Minnesota, Tebow channeled the Almighty and enter Leslie Frazier’s brain, corrupting it like a bad hard drive. With 2:45 to go and the Vikings up three, they had marched to field goal range and were looking to seal up the game. Instead, Frazier throws the ball three straight times, burning only 35 seconds of clock and coming up empty handed. Enter Tebow Christ. Leads his team down to a field goal, then the Broncos onside kick it, get it back, and then convert another field goal with no time on the clock to win it. Nothing short of a miracle. Flash forward one week later. In a game that could have been billed as the most boring game ever, the Bears explode out to a 10-0 lead in the 4th quarter. Tebow time rings again, fighting back into the game and scoring a TD late in the 4th, but at the cost of all their timeouts. Bears ball, less than two minutes; game over right? Wrong. Marion Barber, a seven year veteran, runs out of bounds to kill the clock and force the Bears to punt. You know the rest of the story. Tebow rallies the troops, scores a game-tying field goal, then pushes to another field goal in overtime for the win. Barber is no slouch, and the only explanation for his actions were that he was steered out of bounds on the cleats of angels. Tebow time strikes again.

Now the Broncos are in a push for the playoffs and every know it all sportswriter in the country is saying the Bronc’s need to release Tebow and move on. Why?! I hated the guy just as much as anyone in college but all he does is win. And he’s still not a douche. Dozens of NFL stars have taken shots at him and what does he do? Agrees with them! After the game, All-pro linebacker Brian Urlacher told the press Tebow was,” a good running back”, clearly a shot as his lack of quarterbacking abilities. And what does Tebow say? “Coming from a really good player, that means a lot.” You can’t even make fun of the guy. Remember “Tebowing“? Everyone tried to get in on making fun of him praying all the time. You know what that a**hole did? He liked it! Got on Twitter and said he loved it, which is essentially like telling your dad a joke and then him going and telling everyone. It just kills the joke. You can’t get to him. Maybe no one ever will. The horrible, cocaine and hooker filled hotel bust that was supposed to happen by now hasn’t, and this whole “incredibly nice guy” act might not be an act. But it might prove that there are forces at work greater than we know. After all, anybody that can be linked to this girl and not lose their exalted virginity must have something more than a bottle of Jergens handy.