Last week a man in red came to my house. He was loud, obnoxious, and surrounded by little guys with Napoleon complexes (the kind where the little guy knows he little, but wants to make a statement so he acts outside his pant size). He wore a hat, cocked to the side, and continued to spout off some sort of gangsta jargon – Yo Yo Yo or some garbage.
That was Santa Claus, his elves, and the stupid reindeer – and I don’t regret seeing him off as quickly as he arrived. Come strong Santa or don’t come at all.
Today, rather you are at your home hosting your Kentucky vs Louisville party, or away letting someone host you, you may find yourself in a few situations.
Here’s your Kentucky fan survival guide to the game:
Antagonistic Anna - Ol’ Crook Nose is only there for the New Years Eve party and hasn’t watched a basketball game since her cousin’s child bounced a basketball off her face leaving her with the aforementioned nickname. However, until the tax refund check comes in, she stops breathing louder than a patient on an oxygen tank and gets her nose job, she’s bitter. On this date, she’s taking that out on the guy cheering the loudest – and that’s you. She cheers for Louisville just because she wants to hurt you. She complains about fouls more obvious thank the Thanksgiving turkey, and talks more smack than your 90 year old grandma’s lips produce while eating at the dinner table. Here’s the game plan - put up with it while you can, but if the game is still close with 10 minutes to go, put the seal on the deal. One mention about how Uncle Sam has increased taxes and repealed the middle class tax breaks, probably leaving refunds 50% less this year – and she’ll be crying in the bathroom, opening the champagne before the under 8 timeout. Plenty of time for you to get back in good spirits without the help of the alcholic kind.
Napoleon Nathan - Little guy walks in. You can smell his attitude before you smell his Axe Body Spray, that he’s bathed in before arrival. First thing he says when he enters and is introduced to you by his girlfriend is “F— Kentucky”. Game On. You can’t take the bull-dog head on. You must not stare him in the eye. Look at ways around. Subtle body blows will be difficult on the 5’4 puff pastry frame, but its much better than an out right hit to the steel plated line beard. After the 14th “Cal’s a cheater comment”, start your attack. “Wow, the shortest guy on either team is the 5’10 Elijah Justice”, “Louisville fans are tall on expectations”, “I wonder if Kentucky will Rise to the Lofty expectations set before them”, and the knockout “Sky is the limit with this Kentucky team. There’s no goal they can’t reach.” By the time it’s over, Nate Dawg will be stuffing his 3″ soled shoes with tissue paper and his face with Fritos and Mountain Due.
Fair Weathered Fran - Look, it’s BBN and Ma Famia but I don’t claim those that don’t claim to be Kentucky fans All Year Long. Fran comes in and when question about her fandom she immediately says “I only cheer for Kentucky in basketball”. Flags should immediately go off and while your’s are blue her’s are red ones. Fran bundles up and hides her allegiance when times are tough. A quick stalker session on Facebook (have I mentioned my detest for that site?) would reveal her in Miami at the Orange Bowl in a “Da-Ville is Da-Biz-Ness” tee. Look, depending on the numbers at the party you may need Fran for support, but don’t count on her being your back if you are severely out numbered. Bring your A-game and prepare to battle stats, history, and more situations alone. Like Fran’s fandom, she’ll turn on her team and famia just as quickly when the crowd is against her.
Einstein Eddy - As soon as I say this, the comments section will be flooded with Rhodes scholars from UofL - but let’s face it they’re the statistical anomaly. UofL isn’t Ivy League and the fan base isn’t either. I mean, they’ve aligned themselves with a sub par academic program and average at best athletic program. It’s kind of like hooking your line into a dead fish and calling it dinner. BUT when Eddy walks into your party and starts spouting off statistics and ‘facts’, show him who the scholar is. Excuse yourself to the restroom, using Eddy’s bean dip as your reasoning, and pull up some of the following pages with your Droid (as we know it’s better than the iPhone). Kentucky Basketball Statisics, ESPN Kentucky Stats , ESPN Louisville Stats, Kentucky vs Louisville History will be a big help when dealing with that Munster and despite what Peyton Siva said Gorgui Dieng’s 2.8 blocks per game are no where close to Anthony Davis’ 4.5.
Good luck at your parties and use your survival guide accordingly. Just think, it may not save your relationship or acquaintances to those UofL fans, but who cares it will certainly save your fanhood. We all know that that is what really matters.
Fearless Prediction – Louisville covers the spread but Kentucky takes the game. Kentucky 74 – Louisville 67